Monday, May 3, 2010

How To Get Over A Cold Lightening Fast and Other Fun Things . . .

How To Get Over A Cold Lightening Fast: So last week was sort of nuts and on Tuesday I felt the ughyness begin to take over. (The ughyness = swollen tonsils, uber tired, etc). This is God's little reminder that I require more sleep than I have been providing. I stayed home wednesday to try to combat this evil and it worked . . . or so I thought. It came back with a vengence on friday and by saturday I was full on sick. Runny nose, sore throat, zombie-esque demeanor. I hate being sick. I'm not a good sick patient. I'm ornery, I become miss cranky pants, I want no noises and the world around me does not exist unless I need it to. Oh you're sick with the plague, too bad. Oh your little doggy went away, well I have a head cold. Oh you need me to be a functioning member of society, I don't think so. On the flip side of this grand bitchiness though, I've been sick soo much in my life that I am supreme at getting over sickness with lightening quick speed. Where others cower with their antibiotics, I laugh in the face of strep throat! You say your throat is sore? I have something for that! A stuffy nose you say? Well are you doing this this and that? No?! Stop your whining. I'm this weird combination of patron saint for wellness and my mom's bad ass attitude that compares equally to my lack of sympathy for politics complainers who don't vote. If you're not going to do anything about it, quit your bitchin'. So as I boast this fantabulousness you might be wondering how I feel now . . . pretty darn good. Throat is still sore, runny nose has primarily gone away. Still a bit tired, but nothing compared to this weekend. You might also be wondering what's my secret . . . I might be persuaded to share. I pump two multivitamins during the day, drink throat coat tea when I feel especially sore, subscribe to sudafed, take another multivitamin before bed so it can work it's magic while I sleep and oh yeah . . . you have to be willing to commit 75% of your weekend to sleep. That's right, I calculated it out and I slept essentially 75% of my weekend away. This seemed a little absurd to me, but I guess the body gets what the body wants. This upswing of this though is that the body was not upset at my lack of sleep last night (a late night coupled with hot flashing) in that it basically thought I just took another nap. That's nice.

In other related news, can you believe the over the counter sudafed packs only have 5 two-packs in them anymore?! What is that? Thank you meth heads for ruining my cold-ridden existance. Not only have they changed the formula, but now they charge more and give you less. Well sure, I could hop the border and buy the good stuff in Washington, but geez louise I'm sick and that's too much damn effort. Mark my words though Washington, it won't be long before they come for your sudafed too!

And back to our regularly scheduled program . . .

The Marriage Game: In the fun news, it appears two more couples have gotten into the marriage game. One got engaged, the other got hitched. The first couple, we'll call them Pineapple since she's sort of spiky and sour, I'm sort of not surprised at. They've been dating an adequate amount of time, it's only logical. And frankly I'm not the least bit surprised that Pineapple and boy are the first of the group to do such. I always thought she would be. What I didn't think then was that I would now be faced with picture after picture and anecdote and comment after comment of ring-ness. The ring is everywhere! I shouldn't be surprised, she's a nazi facebooker and twatter, we're inundated day after day with disease and press-ridden commentary. And by the way, I don't look at her "illness" as a disease anymore than I do mine. Just gettin' that out there. And the only reason I'm allowed to say that is because it's in my family too. Eat an apple and STFU. Please note, I know girls gush. I'd gush too! In fact, when the time comes and hopefully I'm excited, I most definitely want to gush! I pray that when this time kicks, it won't be gushing to this extent. I am happy for her. But I think I'd fork out an eyeball if I pestered my boy about when it was going to happen. I want it to be a surprise. Couple #2, we'll call them "Dishrag" because that's about as exciting as she is, got married. They abptly both posted on their myspace that they'd be getting married shortly. And we calculate our love by how many months we've been together. That's right folks, we're still in months. *Insert mouth vomit here* Most of the time I wouldn't give a hoot about dishrag and their marriage status, except she's a boring wench and he's my ex and oh yeah, I still have his crap. I'm not rude enough to text him again this week to get him to get his things. Tempting, but honeymoon week texting would be bad karma. Really, again, if they are happy then great. My one issue is that I don't see it lasting and I think he's settling. And oh yeah, going into a marriage saying "well if it doesn't work out there's always divorce" (verbatum from his mouth), isn't really a strong endorcement. Good luck kiddies!

I know, I'm just a bright ray of sunshine . . .

And Now, 5 Reasons Why Having Ghetto Booty Is Awesome:

1) You get to say "badunkadunk"
2) You have cushion for the pushin'
3) When closing a door and fearing it might shut too loudly, you can slow it down with your booty
4) There's something for menfolk (or womenfolk if you're so inclined) to grab on to
5) When you wiggle your booty in a Beyonce'-esque move, just your booty moves, not your whole body

Been There, Seen That: Ya know, these days we as a society are nigh unimpressable and unshockable. Exhibit A) Scary movies. I love scary movies. But virtually 50-60% of the ones coming out I will never care about and/or like because they are crap. They are unoriginal or someone tried too hard. Exhibit B) Christina Aguilera. The social media is currently having a field day with Christina's most recent music video release due to its rather raunchy and risque' manner. I saw a snidbit of it. I'm not shocked. And more than that, I'm sort of pissed. It's completely unoriginal and if anything, is a rip off. She's seen in a skin tight, mostly vinyl outfit bearing whips and grinding moves. It's like Lady Gaga meets Madonna music videa circa 1995 for Human Nature. I remember the hubub about this video when it came out and how scandalous (oh my!) it was considered. Looking at it now, it's fairly tame and simply yet increibly edgy. Heart hug madge! But while I generally am a fan of Christina Aguilera and her often line pushing style, this comes up short for me.

And by the way, does anyone remember when music videos mattered? I miss those days.

More to come later hopefully . . . Love!

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