Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Color Of Love

"The pattern of color and light is unique to each person; no two are alike and no pattern is ever the same twice."

I have long been a firm believe that each person has a light and color. This may be because of how I see people in general and it may be because of my art. Or it may be both. When I think of someone substantial in my life, I can feel their color. That probably sounds strange. To "feel" a color. I think of someone and I feel them and our experiences together, and if I close my eyes, I can see their color. The more vibrant the person and experiences, the easier it is to feel. Also, the more confident I am in the relationship between that person and I, the easier it is to let go and just feel their color.

I think love can bring out your colors as well. I think they can enhance them . . . make them deeper, enhance them, make them pop. I think good people can bring out your color and make it shine while others can dull it, like they dull your soul. I think this goes doubly so for love. Someone who loves you, someone you have love for, sharing your love . . . all of these can enhance your color. But, this also can apply to the love you have for yourself. Without that love and inner peace, your light and color can struggle to shine.

Have you ever met someone that shines? Someone so beautifully vibrant that you just want to be in their presence? To be in their light? I think there are some wonderful souls that were just blessed to shine their light in a way that could never be put out.

I've struggled in my life with my light and color. let things obscure it or dull it or hide it. Even hidden it myself from the world. I know now this was a shame. I always know when my color is good and clear, when my soul feels happy and content and I'm in a good place. I strive to be here every day and to surround myself with those that are just as lovely.

If you don't already . . . let your light shine and know your color. Know the color of your love. It is one of the greatest gifts to yourself, and to those who impact your life with beauty and happiness.

And by the way, I love the painting shown. It is Marc Chagall and I've alwways found it strikingly beautiful. When he painted from his heart, he knew what the color of love was.

"Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique. That is why you cannot love two people the same. It is simply not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you. And the more you know another, the richer the colors of that relationship."

Inspirations And Ramblings

Inspiration: Inspiration can come from anywhere. It can come from your own home, the people around you or the things you see and do. Earlier this evening I had an eternal road block. For the life of me I could not get started. last night my brain wouldn't quit, idea after idea. But today, blargh. I think the attempt at fixing my other computer this afternoon sucked my brain into oblivion. Before total death took over I decided enough was enough and made myself leave the house, tackle a small to-do list and see the beautiful sunset. And I'm so happy I did because I truly got some beautiful pictures. I love to take sky pictures because the beauty is ever-changing. Tonight it was filled with sunset and the ever looming storm clouds and it created such a torent of texture and colors. I love that mix. And as you can see, my block has lifted. Smile.

Tea-aholic: Hello, my name is J and I'm a tea-aholic. I'm british. We love tea. My personal faves are stash teas. I never go wrong with them. I love english breakfast tea. And when I'm feeling like a little kick in the morning, chai tea is always tasty. When my throat is feeling on the down side I'll combine peach tea and throat coat tea. I loke the spicy sweet combination they have together without being overpowering. And I always have my tea with a littlee bit of milk and sugar (splenda). I figure of all the things I could be addicted to, tea's the least of my worries.

Drag Race: I have to admit, I'm a big fan of drag queens. I understand this may alienate me from certain readership peeps, but eh oh well. I love their sassy fabulousness and that they are doing what feels good. And lets face it . . . some of those ladies look better in a dress and heels than half the women out there. I also love the scandalous interaction that's over the top without being crude. Probably the most famous, or at least mainstream, example of drag queen fabulousness would be RuPaul. I heart Ru. i've hearted Ru since the 90's and he's still my favorite comeback queen. I've become addicted to RuPaul's Drag Race, I just can't help myself. It's this uber bit of train wreckeed goodness. Another bit of favorite goodness would be Eddie Izzard. Now don't be confused ladies and gents because he's no queen. He's a transvestite. An executive transvestite ;) Which means he's a striaght boy playing dress up. I'm ok with this. And he's hi-larious! And while we are on the topic of Eddie, this brings me to my next topic . . .

The Aftermath: What Cancelled Shows Leave Behind One of my biggest pet peeves of tv-dom would be getting into a really awesome show and then it gets yanked. This, I believe, is total bollocks! A perfect example of this: The Riches. This was a great show that was on FX, but sadly got the boot after two seasons. And of course, this was right when it got good and I was completely invested. You scoundrels! Now I am forever left hanging and coming up with my own ending possibilities which will never come to fruition. There will never be closure. This makes me sad. Sad face.

And now on to happier things . . .

Letters To My Past: I am currently on a path of self-enlightenment and discovery. My goal is to move in a forward direction to good things. I have discovered that you will not have room in your heart for new good things if you are holding on to the past, and worse, the bad part of it. While I consider myself a generally happy individual, I will say that I think I've carried some of my past with me and in some cases it's left no room for the better. As a therapeutic excercise I decided to write goodbye letters to some of my past. I wrote letters to the people, namely ex's, that had hurt me the most and that I was holding on to. I wrote about things that had happened, how I felt and about letting go to move forward. As soon as I finished, I felt a good sense of contentment. Like there was more room in my soul. For anyone who is holding on to things, I highly recommend trying this. You don't have to say anything in particular, just start writing and be honest and say what you feel. It's a beautiful experience.

Something Old: The saying goes "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." I have long known that if I were to have a cake topper that it would be vintage. I'm not sure why, but I love vintage wedding cake toppers. They feel romantic and sweet. I always smile when I see one. Now I just have to find that man, lol.

And now to leave you with a thought about your day and that one thing . . . you know, that thing that happened . . . 

"It was this thing that happened today.
Other things happen other days.
Things will happen tomorrow."
- Shane, Weeds

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Queen Bee Is Back!

I feel AMAZING right now! I spent all night working on my darn computer and finally got it working smoothly. For months now it's been sitting in it's sad corner of sad-dom. All lonely and sad like. If it could frown, it would have. I was angsty about using it due to it's slowness (poor ole' guy) and the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my wireless keyboard and mouse. So finally, thanks to my tv diet (more on that later), I got it all working again. I suppose there is something to be said for being a professional nerd by day . . . you have the patience to spend three hours getting your computer working again. And feel great when it does! It was also annoying that I've wanted to start blogging at night and I couldn't. But now I can. Look out! So woohoo to me!

On to the tv diet . . . I made myself a challenge . . . to essentially go a week without tv. now, I did allow myself a "gimme" if you will. I am allowed to have the tellie (or a movie) on, while I am doing something else. In other words, no zoning out to the boob tube. I can watch something if I'm eating breakfast or dinner, but as soon as the meal ends, so does the tv. I can turn on a movie or show in the background, while cleaning my room or doing laundry. When I'm done, it goes off. You might wonder what prompted this sudden decision . . . I hear random comments floating around that I watch too much tv because I know commercial or movie lines by heart. Note: I've always had this talent no matter how much tv I watch and I can do the same thing with books. What I love, I remember. I also thought I would see how productive I would be if the tv was not a time wasting option. I will say, thus far I have been quite productive. On Saturday I got tons o' stuff done. Yesterday I did lots of laundry, flipped my mattress (finally!), and did more room cleaning out. Today I did the grocery shopping and got all of my BPO pictures done early for work tomorrow. Btw, driving in the rain storm and trying to take semi-outdoor pictures, not so easy. I've read each night before bed which is really nice. I love to read. It calms my brain at night and I can just be. Tomorrow should be interesting. I'm hoping to finish cleaning out my bedroom and perhaps work some on my desk area. I'm in a big cleaning out mood. I think I've let go of a lot of the attachment I had to things that weren't really functional. I feel like cleaning it out and letting it go gives me room to usher in new things. Symbolic.

PT: Pt kicked my ass today. For those not on the information boat: PT = physical therapy. And it kicked my ass today. I love physical therapy because it's helping me start to get back into the workout moad after having been a slug the last three months with the broken limb. But oooeee, they are serious about making you work. Today we added a new excercise . . . squats while standing on balance balls. I don't do regular squats as it is. Though God knows I should. But not you're making me attempt to balance while doing so. Holy cow. And then of course there's the trusty Jane Fonda hip workout leg lifts that make you want to die. They realy are lovely and it's great to know they are working, but still . . . it's a little bit shoot-me-now. I should stop whining. It's good. I definitely need all the help I can get in losing the weight and tonng up. I still haven't been brave enough to go back to the gym and start swiming again. I'm not sure why. I need to get over it and just start doing again. I will feel good once I do. I'm hoping tomorrow.

Blog Happiness: I'm a happy blogger. I'm happy to be blogging again. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I started again. I used to blog every night pratically and about everything under the sun. I'm not afraid of topics or being personal. I think I'm afraid of what happens when I don't have that outlet. No goodness can come of that. I will say that the one downfall of the bloggage: I stay up late. hehe.

I have more to talk about, but I think that will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm pooped, and rightfully so, and I think it's time to go climb into bed and wind down. Love to all my ladies and jellyspoons and a peaceful evening.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Monday Moo

Good Monday: Today's been a good monday. I woke up well, though very much earlier than I had plotted. Oh well. Thankfully, I went to bed fairly early so it didn't really bother me. It was amazing just to listen to the downpour of rain outside this morning. I love to just lay in bed and listen to the rain, it's relaxing and beautiful. I read for a little bit and finished my re-reading of a book. For some reason or another, some mindless books I love to just re-read and re-experience. Work has been productive and busy. Sometimes it's nicer to be busy just because you feel like you accomplished more. Still trying to decide how I wish to conduct my afternoon. I might just go home and do more purging and redecorating of my room. I'm starting to feel like a change is in order, just trying to figure out how I want to do so. I think it's part of that moving on to new good things thing.

Good Start Weekend: Saturday was incredibly productive. I woke up, did a little laundry, sorted through my bookshelf and purged it of unneccesary items, went twice to the cleaners (thanks pop!), did a goodwill run. I attempted to find birthday gifts for the ladies, but failed miserably. Boo face. I then convinced myself to go to Home Depot and then spend two hours spreading mulch and de-ivying my front yard. Go me! It sucked and I felt magical when I was done. Grant you, only half the work is done, but it's a good half to be sure. Of course the father-type-parental-unit came home and attempted to rain on my parade, but no sell. My yard looks better, then end. I like putting effort into the appearance of my home. Not so much in the "keeping up with the jones'" sort of way (though that doesn't hurt), but more in the I feel glad to come home when it looks better sort of way. I can be proud and feel accomplished that it looks perdy. My dad doesn't understand it. He should then hush and enjoy the benefits of having a good looking outside.

Just A Little Drive: On Sunday I decided to have the fantastic idea of driving to the middle of nowhere and back with my bestest driving gal pal. This trip could be construed as good and bad. The bad: It was raining. Not so bad on the drive itself, but coming back into town late at night sort of sucked. The road construction and therefore closure of one highway lane. This was stupid. No work was being done. No visible threat to traffic by having the lane open. But we're still going to close a lane that's important on a two lane highway stretch on the eve of spring break ending. A man came up with this bright idea. The Good: Awesome road trip. Saw some great scenery despite the rain. Went on a crazy, "don't look now!" back road that almost made us pee our pants. Had chinese food at our favorite place. And best of all, lots of deep conversation with my gal pal. I always love this because it always makes us think and come to great epiphanies.

I have more to type about, but I think that will have to wait for tomorrow. I have the urge to go tackle some of my to-do list. Later and Love to all my ladies and jellyspoons!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Risk Management

Risk Management: I've sort of made a career out of "risk management" in dating. The good and bad of this: there is no risk. When I was younger and reckless, I made some poor decisions. I don't regret them, they were what was meant for the time. But they were poor in the hindsight. I wagered a high bet and I lost a lot. To combat this, I sadly drifted towards the opposite end of the spectrum. I instead chose those where there was very little risk. Of course, you can only do this for so long before your soul revolts against you and screams "Enough!".

Man vs. Boy: Man, noun, an adult male person, as distinguished from a boy and woman. A male lover or sweetheart. A husband. Boy, noun, a male child. A young man who lacks maturity and judgment. I think this in general sums up things quite nicely.

In recent years, I've chosen boys for boyfriends. I've discovered that this was made out of a safety decision. If risk is low, chances of loss are low. The fault is my own. I can no more fault them for being boys than I can fault a blade of grass for being green. I can fault things they did in their imaturity, but ultimately I need to look no further than myself. At this juncture in time, this no longer is going to cut it. Thank God. One of the side effects of the boy-be-gone-dating would be the lack of growth in your own soul. You are stunted. The heart is revolting and holding the mind hostage until compliance has been made. It's about darn time I feel like the woman in a relationship. I long to be girly, be courted, go on dates and not plan or pay, be surprised and not take care of everything. To release. This also makes me nervous I think. I'm not sure or at least not confident in doing so. I find myself questioning myself or personality when challenged with an equal or with a more dominant personality. I have my moments and then clench because it is naturally uncertain. But it's lovely moment. I'm hoping that my recent efforts towards this endeavor will further develop and expand into good things.

Finding Your "Fit": I got into a conversation today with a good friend about being someone's "fit". I am of the belief that each person has a match. One person out there that fits them. I am also of the belief that in living in the grey zone of dating someone who is not your fit soley out of immediate comfort or fear is a disservice to each other and an injustice. By being with someone who is not your fit because it's easy or you're comfortable and complacent, while you are potentially helping each other develop, there also comes a point where your are throwing the world off kilter. This is bad. In the beauty of hindsight often comes the comment "I knew it wouldn't last" or "I know we would eventually break up", etc etc. What is the point of this?! You know! If you know, then why? I understand that to some extent dating has a point and helps you expand and develope and grow, etc. But I think there is always this point where you know. That's the soul saying "hold up!". I've ignored it. You've ignored it. We've all ignored it. But I sincerely recommend we all start tuning into this voice. It knows.

"I'm looking forward to seeing if we are MFEO." - Sleepless In Seattle

Finally Friday . . .

I felt this picture was entirely appropriate today. I feel like that kid. My head is a swamp of foggy befuddledness. A combination of uber tiredness, overthinking and ughy allergies makes my existence interesting.

Thursday Night Rumblings: I, thankfully, did not fall asleep driving home late last night. But it was a really odd feeling the whole way home. I think my hormones took a dive downhill towards the end of the evening and that made for some weird combination of frustration, over-emotional crying for only semi-good reasons and inward reflectiveness. When I finally did get home, I couldn't decide whether or not I was tired. So I said bonjour! to some english breakfast tea (yummers!), an estroven (thank god!) and a lil John Wayne.

Mindful Images: I woke up from a really odd dream this morning that I can't remember beyond wanting to finish it out.. I hate that. Not necessarily one of those "oh my god!" dreams, but just one that you wanted to know the end. Like when you get hooked on a good movie and right at the ending it cuts out. Boo face. But as I was laying there waking up, I got the greatest idea for a new painting. And the image just kept building in awesomeness. So much so that the first thing I ran for was a canvas and pencil when I got out of bed. I'm hoping to work on it tonight and see how it develops. I kind of feel like napping and then staying up all night to paint. I haven't done that in such a long time. I'm happy to sort of be painting again, it's just taking a long time toget back into my art brain. It's not like reading or movie watching where you just pick it up and go. It's something you have to get back into the motion of and feeling to the core. Just feeling the rythym and "dance" of it.

Weekend Bliss: Saturday is suppose to be nice, Sunday crappy. Tough decision. When it's nice out, I get motivated. Not just to do outdoor fun stuff, but also to tackle my to-do list at home. I also don't mind driving in the rain, it is Oregon after all. I was contemplating going and soaking in a tub this weekend. Just have to decide which day. Might just soak on Sunday. Listing to the rain and relaxing the chill away is momentous.

Birthday Bonanza: Two weeks from today is moomoo and gma's birthday. I'm picking up the uncle for a surprise visit at the airport (so excited!). Oh how I love the airport! The hustle and bustle, the sounds and smells, the planes, the people watching and suspiciousness of it all. But in all of these birthday shenanigans, I've neglected and procrastinated one key point: the presents! Ugh, what to get them . . . My mom I can generally find something that just says "yes, that's the one". My grandmother is another story. Finding a present for her is sort of tricky. I guess I will have to go explore for some goodness this afternoon and come up with some creative ideas. I made handmade piggies for her for Christmas, but who knows now.

Oh well, that's all for now. Love to all my ladies and jellyspoons!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Same Ole' Sin, Different Day

I have long known that problems are problems. And until you deal with them, they will follow you . . . no matter your size, attitude, location or destination. I struggle with this at times I think because they are a part of my addictive qualities. I never did drugs or drank excessively, so other things took the place.

Self-Sin #1: Solitary Confinement Someone made the comment to me that I "seem sort of solitary" yesterday. I hated to inform them that this was an on-going weekly feature last week. I get that way when I'm ughy. It makes me not want to deal with the masses. The funny thing is, I got ughy because I wanted to deal with the masses and it didn't work out so then I just drew into myself. Wednesday I hid out in the movie theater for hours on end. And it was great. Thursday I took myself on a road trip to test my ankle. And it was an awesome time! Sunday, after returning from a night at my mom's (woohoo!), I cleaned, did laundry and painted all night. And I see nothing wrong with this. Why is there such a negative conotation to doing things alone? I don't mind going to the movies alone or taking long drives. I can get coffee alone and read a book or draw. I like going to museums, taking photos or painting alone. I'm a solo work-outer. But then there comes the fine line of enjoying one's alone time and becoming a crabby old spinster? I like to think I walk that fine line every day.

Self-Sin #2: The Chocolate Fix Right now, chocolate is evil. It is not my friend. it's my downfall. After being casted for two months (broken leg) and not being able to work out and then having a craptastic week last week, I really need to get off the sweet tooth and back to yummy good-for-you goodness. I'm quiting cold turkey. "It's quitin' time!"

Self-Sin #3: Same Ole' Boys, Same Ole' Train Wreck I have a pattern I am trying to avoid. Same ole' boys with the same ole' frustration and the same damn attitudes. They haven't changed, their situations haven't changed, they are the same ole' train wreck. It's so easy to fall back into these distructive people of comfort. Especially when I've been in solitary confinement for the last week and they are convenient. Or are they? Well frankly, I'm not interested. I think they all get a memo or see the bat signal that says "I'm available". Well I'm not. Not to you anyway. Now kindly go away.

Self-Sin #4: The Movie Binge I realized last night that I've bought waaaaay too many movies in the last couple months. I think it's because I've been trapped in the little hole de' cast of not being able to do anything so I placated myself with movie awesomeness. This is great, except I'm running out of room lol. Once I satisfy my western movie fix (I long to find some westerns on dvd!) then I'm done for awhile. I have plenty to watch, I'm not going to miss out on anything. Instead I think I'm going to stash the money and put it towards something good this summer. We'll see how that goes.

Self-Sin #5: Lack of Things That Make You Happy Weirdly enough, this is becoming the easiest thing for me to over come. I remember what made me happy. Working out. Long car rides. Flowers. Reading. Painting. Hot tub soaks. Putting time into my appearance. These things all make me happy. I just have to make sure not to over-indulge. That would be bad. I also have to remember that the basics are just as important as these things.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Back To Basics

Back to Basics

This is my first post on this thing and it has been over a year since I've blogged. I'm a little rusty you could say. But then you might wonder, why did I stop in the first place . . . Good question. I have no idea. I guess I let life get the best of me. I was an avid blogger with an avid following, talked about everything under the sun and was fairly consistent, but then it sort of all drifted away as I let other craptastic things over shadow basic essentials. Funny how easily that can happen. I wish not, but alas. And I let myself go right along with it. But that was then and this is now.

Right now I am getting back to my essential basics. My best friends who are at my core and enjoying those relationships. My current goal is to work on listening. It's sort of a tricky thing. There's a big different between thinking you're listening and actually doing so. I confess, at times I become victim to the first one rather than the latter. I confess I've often heard what someone said but rather than letting it just sink it, I've thought about what I'm going to say next. I've probably talked over others before, that's not really good either. So now, rather than being concerned about the next thing to pop out of my mouth, I'm trying to focus on what they are really saying and thinking indepthly on my response. I'm a work in progress.

I'm also taking more "Me Time". For me, this is a crucial part of my existence. It's so easy to put yourself last or forget about what essentially made you happy prior to that big thing currently going on. To let "the small stuff" (i.e. work, bills, obligations) cloud your memory. But as soon as I let go, everything else started to flow. I've been taking more drives to random places again. I like seeing new places just as much as going to places I've been a thousand times and seeing it in a new light each time. What you see and feel one day is completely different from what you see and feel the next . . . and it never gets old. The picture above is from a random drive I took the other day. It's a view of the Gorge. And it was the most beautiful day, I don't think I could have asked for anything more! Last night I got the urge to paint again and I'm so elated. Grant you, I pooped out and didn't do it due to work the next morning, but just the urge to do so is fantastic. I truly can't wait to start. I'm debating on trying a new medium. I don't paint in watercolors, never really liked the light airyness of it all. I've loved other people's watercolor paintings before, but they've never really been my style. My grandfather recently got into them though and so I might see how I like them. If nothing else, I can say I tried. I'm going through another music mood shift again. It could be the changing seasons. Or maybe it's just that I'm back to doing more than just casually listening to it. Can't complain about that.

Lately I've been coming across more and more moments that take my breath away. It is the most basic and beautiful feeling ever. It sinks right to my core and just sits there. I'm trying to get used to just feeling. Most people don't understand this. They think "oh feeling, I do that everyday, no big deal". There's something completely organic and uncompromised about feeling something and just sitting in it. Whether the feeling is good or bad, just acknowledging it's presence and sitting in it, feeling it. It's a very odd, but pleasant thing for me right now. I had gotten used to moving on to the next feeling or the next thing, that I sometimes lost sight of what the feeling was or why it was there or why I moved on from it. But I'm trying to not let myself get away with that anymore. So far it's going well. I'm optimistic. 

And on that note, I'm going to sign off for now. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day! Till later my lovely ladies and jellyspoons.